When Peace is a Shield
I’m currently reflecting on various phrases people use to justify decisions or actions within the realm of spirituality. The core of this exploration is to discern when these phrases come from an authentic expression of the True Self/Higher Self/Soul, and when they signify spiritual bypassing from the ego-mind, which seeks to preserve its sense of self and ultimately stifles growth and awareness.
Authentic Disruption vs Ego-Mind Distortion
More and more recently, I’ve found myself and others saying, “XYZ is disrupting my peace.” But is it truly that? Is it genuinely disrupting my or their peace? Or has this phrase become a means, a justification for spiritual bypassing allowing one to operate from the comforts of the ego-mind’s self-preservation mechanism to avoid confrontation and friction?
To further explore this, I ask my body to show me how it truly feels when my sense of peace is disrupted versus when my ego-mind is playing out old patterns of protection. I have faced confrontational experiences that revealed contrasting expressions for me as an individual. I recognize that everyone has their own unique experiences regarding how energy is felt, expressed, and moved through the body and mind. It is never anyone’s place to tell you what’s happening in your body, with your nervous system, or what your experience is. Only you can know that.
Through my personal exploration, the main indicator for differentiating authentic peace disruption from ego-mind patterning was predominantly observed within my nervous system (shocker) and muscles.
When the ego-mind is bypassing, I notice expressions of avoidance, anxiety, defensiveness, denial, and escapism. My jaw clenches and my muscles contract with tension that’s difficult to release or soothe. My nervous system becomes unbalanced, and the ego-mind is discomforted by emotional waves, resisting their current. In this state, my focus is fixated on personal survival.
On the other side, when my inner peace is genuinely disrupted, I experience energies of surrender, trust, accountability, openness, and presence. In this state, my muscles remain neutral, and my nervous system flows steadily with the emotional waves no matter where they take me.
When my inner peace is disrupted, I find that I still maintain a level of empathy and compassion. My voice remains steady, my body is calm, and my emotions are active and flowing but not overwhelmingly. I am still able to see and hear the other person with the awareness that I may not be in the right spirit to engage at that moment.
Projections
To deepen this exploration, it’s important to understand how my ego-mind operates, and its protective mechanisms. My ego-mind often reacts to perceived threats, whether emotional, social, or existential, by creating narratives that justify its avoidance of discomforting situations. This internal narrative building is called projecting. Recognizing this dynamic has greatly served me in understanding when I’m truly seeking peace versus when my ego-mind is simply deflecting challenges.
Self-Exploration + Observation
While I’m not a mental health professional, I’ve explored many tools for observing and interacting with the energetic movement between True Self and Ego-Mind. This is not fluffy love-and-light work. This is not forcing oneself to stay in the high vibrational frequency with the hopes that, one day, sheer will and “manifestation” turns it into a permanent state of Being.
This is volunteering to sit with the darkest, most wounded parts of the psyche and lineage, and learning to hear what it’s truly saying. This is learning to accept and love the parts of one’s Self that have been denied and/or disowned by the Ego-Mind. This is learning to see the power and purpose in the perceived flaws, and understanding that limitations aren’t a deficit.
Practices
Incorporating bodily awareness practices such as mindful self-compassion, movements (functional patterns, yoga, chi gong, etc), or other somatic experiencing can further enhance the ability to differentiate between authentic emotions and ego-driven responses. These practices foster a deeper connection with bodily sensations, allowing me to better tune in to my internal experience and process emotions as they arise.
This process requires surrender, trust, vulnerability and accountability. It may take a lot of trial and error, which is totally human, and create what the mind perceives as mess and chaos. Most importantly, it unfolds at its own pace and intensity. Let Sacred Mystery take the wheel. The mind is here to play witness to the journey, not control it.
Emotional Literacy + Awareness
Emotional literacy and emotional awareness also play vital roles in this discussion. Being able to name and understand one’s emotions can clarify whether one’s peace is genuinely disrupted or if the response is rooted in fear and avoidance. Journaling or discussing emotions with a trusted confidant can facilitate deeper self-awareness and insight.
Within my inner circle, we’ve co-created a space to express emotions authentically, no matter how intense or exaggerated they come out. We call this space “The Black Hole.” The Black Hole has helped heal so much, but I’ve watched it most drastically heal my perception of and relationships with other women.
Here are the established boundaries:
What’s thrown into The Black Hole, stays in The Black Hole
Don’t take anyone, or yourself, seriously as emotional truth in the moment is only that—in the moment and ever changing (no judgement)
Don’t feel obligated to respond or provide feedback when you truly have nothing to say
Understand it’s not personal when someone has nothing to say
Respect when the other has specifically identified a need for externalization and to be witnessed in their experience without a need for feedback (sometimes we just need to get it out of the body)
Remain receptive when requesting feedback, understand you may receive harsh truths, and trust it’s coming from a place of love and support, not control or competitiveness
Having a dedicated space where we can honor the fullness of our experiences and emotions without fear of judgement or manipulation is pure medicine. After all, true healing happens in community. It’s allowed us to decondition from the narrative that we must compete to feel complete. While I share The Black Hole space with a few male friends, there is nothing as potent and nourishing as these female relationships that hold me in loving grace.
Compassionate Self-Inquiry
Additionally, examining the broader context of why certain situations feel disruptive can be valuable. Asking questions like, “What value/belief does this situation challenge or align with?” “Does my inner dialogue or perception genuinely align with reality?” “Does this person or situation remind me of something or someone from the past?” can provide clarity. This self-inquiry can reveal underlying beliefs or unresolved wounds that might be triggering a defensive ego response, leading to a richer understanding of both internal and external dynamics.
Taking Ownership
It's also important to explore how this phenomenon affects relationships. When others make statements like “You’re disrupting my peace,” it can become a barrier to authentic communication and conflict resolution. Understanding how to approach disagreements with openness and empathy can deepen connections and foster growth.
Understanding that what occurs within your body (emotional activation) isn’t the responsibility of the other is of incredible value, as well. Statements like, “You’re disrupting my peace” is a projection. It’s a deflection of responsibility that displaces blame onto the other. Rephrasing to “I feel a disruption to my peace,” or “my sense of peace is feeling challenged,” identifies the emotional activation while taking ownership of the process. It removes an underlying insinuation of blame that so often barricades us from connecting more deeply with each other and with ourselves.
Developing awareness of one’s own patterning and/or how past experiences bleed into the present during moments of emotional activation is of huge benefit. It allows us to recognize that what is occurring in the present (the trigger/emotional activation) is second-hand to a wound from the past. However, it is still important to recognize and honor that the present situation is carrying a similar frequency to that of the wounding. They are separate, yet very much connected.
Embracing Discomfort
Discussing the concept of integrating challenges rather than avoiding them can strengthen personal growth. Emphasizing that challenges can be opportunities for learning and evolution encourages individuals to embrace discomfort rather than bypass it. This perspective contributes to a more nuanced understanding of how disruption can lead to personal and spiritual growth.
If you’re into Human Design or the I-Ching, think of the 6th Gate/Hexagram (Conflict):
The fundamental design component of progress. The law that growth cannot exist without friction.
This is a hope and pain wave of emotions that focuses on intimacy. It’s responsible for establishing boundaries/barriers, but also for breaking them down. Recognizing that growth is often painful, messy, and non-linear has helped me relinquish a need for control and so many conditioned beliefs; whether about relationship and how they should or need to be, or around myself and who I think I should or need to be for myself or others.
Ultimately, having an understanding of this quantum mechanism has allowed me to surrender to the hope and pain wave of conflict as they both hold purpose. It’s created a deep trust that conflict arises as an opportunity to meet another shadow who is volunteering for alchemization. It’s an opportunity to level up in awareness and intimacy that helps us transcend our current Being. On the other hand, conflict can also show us how we’ve matured and developed more awareness. It can show up to solidify lessons around discernment and resonance.
Compassionate Self-Inquiry
Finally, the practice of compassionate self-inquiry can be integral to this exploration. Instead of a critical or judgmental approach to oneself, cultivating compassion leads to a gentler exploration of motivations and feelings. This can foster an environment where one feels safe to explore uncomfortable truths, ultimately supporting healing and growth.
This is simpler in theory than execution. So much of our society conditions us to compare ourselves to others, and to apply those judgements as beliefs. It’s a toxic and limiting scientific-method way of perceiving. For example, “She has more money than I do, therefore she is more successful than me.” Is that really true? Or, have we created a limitation around how we define success to meaning solely financial or material accumulation? In what areas of life have we experienced success that are being overlooked? In what ways can we expand and redefine success beyond the material?
In moments of emotional activation, when my sense of peace is disturbed, my go-to questions now are, “Is this really about them? Or, is this tapping into a wound?” “Is this a pattern? Have I seen this tree before? Within myself, with this person or another?” “Am I expecting them to be something for me? To be a certain someone for me?” I approach these questions with curiosity over criticism. These questions allow me to explore the projections forming from the Ego-Mind to gain clarity around what is actually occurring. This is not a means of denying that the other played a part (whether actively or passively) in inducing the frequency that activated the wound. This is an acknowledgement that the activation can go beyond the present moment.
Restoration + Repair
One of the most important steps of this process, in my opinion, is closing the loop. It’s coming back together for restoration and repair; the acknowledgment of what was gained during reflection, and taking ownership over whatever is necessary. This is also an opportunity to let the other participate in the process. After all, it included them in the first place. I can acknowledge what would potentially work best for me as an individual moving forward, but this is ultimately a “we/us” outcome.
“I recognize I approached this conflict from an emotionally heightened place that didn’t benefit either of us. Do you mind sharing with me a better way to approach you during these moments of conflict?”
“I recognize that I’m not always receptive to unsolicited information. Do you have any suggestions for how we can navigate this together?”
“I convinced myself I wasn’t heard or understood, and lashed out with the energy of a lifetime of those wounds
There is immense power within the simplicity of including the other through asking a question or informing. It allows all involved to recognize how important it is to respect each other’s energy and space, separate from the ego-mind individualistic focus. This manifests itself in various ways, but mostly, it’s communicating honestly and remaining open to discomfort.
While it may seem or feel heady at first, this process of asking questions or for clarity allows us to more closely recognize the ways our ego-minds form projections or attempts to bypass. It, ultimately, allows us to shed anxieties and fears to meet each other with more openness and compassion.
Patterned Behavior
It’s not always so cut and dry, though. If it turns out the other has a patterned behavior that continually harms after having discussed it, is it still on me to reflect and take ownership? Is it still about conflict resolution? Is it still about looking at a mirror to engage with shadow work? Or, is it now about honoring discernment and tolerance thresholds? Is it now about letting go and moving in a new direction?
This, like all of life and healing, is heavily layered and cyclical process. I can’t and don’t expect perfection. I anticipate some floundering, some mess, a bit of chaos, a twinge of ego. I’m ok with that because I am also all of those things at times. What I’m not ok with is when I find I’m made to feel accountable for harm I didn’t cause. When I’m manipulated into believing restoration and repair has been found, only to be continually hurt in the same ways.
This is not love. This is not respect, nor is it authentic connection.
No matter what the pattern behavior is, compassionate self-inquiry still plays a role. We don’t have to exhaust ourselves with hyper-analysis of the behavior. But, we can certainly tend our own gardens and suss out what is ours and what is not, what we’re willing to withstand and what we’re being asked to let go of.
Sacred Rage
Quite a few friends and clients have reached out seeking alleviation or distance from rage that boils to the surface when facing conflict. Rage can feel incredibly terrifying and disorienting. It can leave us feeling wrong or villainized. It’s something many people want to completely remove from their emotional repertoire. However, rage can act as a powerful indicator that many parts of us have reached a hard threshold. That it will no longer tolerate something about the situation or dynamic.
What this rage is telling us could be obvious and seemingly simple. Sometimes, it brings awareness to how someone is manipulating us through love-bomb-and-retreat, by playing “bypass and bait,” or engaging in narrative hijacking. Sometimes, it’s showing us the ways we’re oppressed or generally mistreated, the dynamics where we’re a person of convenience, or even reveal overt prejudices or racism.
No matter what, rage is there to bring awareness to something that is no longer worth perpetuating. Something is no longer tolerable and it’s time for a shift. When we honor the sacredness of rage, when we allow it to express itself uninhibited, it can be one of the most shocking and terrifyingly uncomfortable displays of authenticity. Our society has conditioned us to avoid rage at all cost. To disown it no matter what.
This isn’t an invitation to offload and unleash on anyone and everyone when rage comes to the surface. It’s an invitation to shift your relationship with it, and discover for yourself what it’s communicating. But, hell, sometimes that does mean allowing yourself to become a verbal gunslinging hulked-out-medusa.
Conclusion
By deepening the discussion in these areas, we can further navigate the complexities of spiritual bypassing and the authentic expression of the True Self, encouraging individuals to engage more profoundly with their inner experiences and the world around them. We cannot force anyone to change, but we can show them it is possible as a role model.
